Online dating: The deformation of self.

This article is written more as a satire. I know from personal experience and others around me that online dating can be a wonderful thing, especially if you meet your soul mate. For most though, it can be a whirlwind of mishaps, desperation and an endless cycle of frustration. This article is for you, the not so fortunate one, the one who sees’s too much. Let’s take it with a pinch of salt though shall we?

As an online dating user, I’ve had some successes’ in my online dating career. I call it a career because I used to find myself doing shift work, clocking in hours and getting monthly bonuses if I secured a date or ended up in something meaningful. Rare occurrences but it happens. I still have online dating apps hidden away in the corners of my phone but for the most part, I am fairly inactive, partly due to past experiences but mainly because of my over-analysis of the whole process…here is that over analysis.


The profile to end all profiles.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with online dating, the hub of your work activity will stem from here. Dependent on the workstation you’ve chosen (Tinder, plenty of fish, bumble, eHarmony, match, the list goes on) you’re going to have to set aside a good chunk of your life designing that “perfect profile”.

You know, the one your future soul mate is going to fall head of heels for and reconsider speed dating. Time will factor into what you want, A quick fuck or the love of your life… I’ve been guilty of both. Don’t forget to upload those pictures of your best angle where you’re looking a Stella 7 out of 10 ya here!


Snap, rinse, repeat. (From a male perspective)

This is an important part, this is how you get clients through the door, this could be good for business. You need to have the photos where you’re looking good, buff, a decent human being, with friends, maybe with a child so people know you’re kid-friendly (Make sure the kid doesn’t look scared)  oh and an obligatory selfie.

From the male perspective, you will notice more or less every female you see on there will have a gallery of the same selfie over and over and over and over… the only distinguishing feature will be a snap chat filter or a different bathroom. I’ve seen more bathrooms than I care for now. (I hear from the female side, men take shirtless pics of guys, I don’t do that because I have a gut and I don’t even want to see that.)


The contradiction of portrayal.

You’ll read a lot of profiles that are thought out and well written but they usually contain the same nuggets of information, those nuggets being the following: “I’m not here for a one night stand”, “No fuck boys”, “Don’t ask for pics”, “No time wasters” and so on. The end of a lot of profiles are usually “Follow me on Instagram @trashyselfietaker69”

So you’ve written out this well thought out profile listing what you don’t want…But then all your images of are your cleavage, your ass, you pouting and then one of your cleavage and ass. And you want me to follow you on INSTA?!?!? I don’t understand while you’re portraying yourself as one thing in writing, then showing me the things I look for in gratuitous pornography.

People make snap judgment’s on image alone, your images portray you as someone who want’s all of the things you don’t want! I’m confused, my head hurts. If you don’t want to attract those kinds of people WHY ARE YOU SHOWING ME YOUR TITS?!?


Judgment time

For me personally, this is the hardest part of online dating, the snap judgments we make about people purely based on vanity and textual information acquired. I am just as guilty as the rest and I’d be lying if I said anything else. Welcome to the fast food conveyor belt of online dating and judgment.

Let’s face it, if you’re a user (Yes it is as bad as drugs) you base most of your decisions on these apps on looks and looks alone. As soon as you see a face pic you’re into, you’ll engage, if you see one you’re not into, you won’t.

I feel terrible after 10 minutes on these things because I’m just judging people on looks and looks alone! I’m a bad person on online dating, even if their written profile is amazing I’m still going with my dick… I’m ashamed. I’m sorry it wasn’t me, it was my dick, my filthy disgusting dick.


The one…of many.

There she is…the one. She’s beautiful, elegant, sophisticated. Her written profile is like sweet chocolate, Her pictures are classy and cleavageless. The radiance of her being is emanating from the tempered glass screen of my phone and I’m lost for words. I read every part of her profile to think of a perfect conversation starter and I can already see us sitting on a beach when were 60 sipping sangria.

You write out the perfect message and with all your hopes and dreams you press send, waiting for love to blossom. 4 hours later, no reply, she’s viewed your profile, read your message and stuck an imaginary finger up at you. Fuck you! I spent an hour on those two sentences! Wait what’s this, another profile? Oh my god, there she is…The one. She’s beautiful, elegant, sophisticated….


Suit up. It’s on.

You’ve done a 40-hour online dating working week, your tired and broken but… You’ve got a date with some who resembles a human and it’s on! Chances are you’ve been out of action for a while so some nerves will be settling in but for the most part, you’re excited. Now, where’s that t-shirt that makes my arms look kind of big?


Do exactly what I say and no one will get hurt.

You’re on your date, it feels like you’ve got a gun to your head and every last word has to lead to that “connection” you thought you had whilst typing witty retorts in the middle of the night. One step wrong and your brains are going to be splattered all over that cheap Italian meal.

Halfway through the date, unless this is your soul mate you’re going to realize that’s “There okay… There pretty hot. They haven’t offended me much, they laugh at my shit jokes and they might even go halves on the meal… yeah, she’ll do”. You’ll end up in a 3-month relationship where you only see each other twice a week and find that during sex your head’s buried in a pillow thinking about tomorrows lunch.


There’s plenty more where that came from.

Ah, there’s other things that go on there, the messaging of people then they suddenly drop off the face of the earth, the bot’s that try and redirect you to paid for sex websites, the petty arguments, passive-aggressive insults about your profile, stretching conversations out about people pets, yadda yadda yadda.

It’s all there waiting for you if you indulge like I have… pretty fucking shallow in all honesty. The overall point of this article for me was to have some goofs and gaffs at the mishaps at the new age of love. But on a serious note, it sometimes feels like something has been lost over the past few decades.

It’s as if when you buy into online dating culture you lose a bit of who you really are and if you want to settle down you have to pay a price, destroying your own self-esteem in the process hoping that one day you will be sipping sangria on the beach at 60, but not alone.


Thank you for reading. As I said before I don’t begrudge anyone who has met the one they love on these platforms, they can truly change peoples lives. Have you got anything to add from your own experiences? Leave a comment below. Peace!     

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